Tuesday, October 29, 2013

X-men Days of Futures Past Trailer - Needless Hope

I don't claim to be without flaws. I know my flaws are long enough to earn me a spot on the Jerry Springer All-Pro team, but I don't minimize my major flaws or trivialize my numerous minor flaws. I like to think that I'm an honest drunk. And because of that, I get pissed off at people who think their biggest flaw is some contrived bullshit that can't be used to beat them over the head. So naturally, I'm extremely pissed off at the X-men movies.

I've already made my sentiment about these movies painfully clear on this blog. I despise them on a scale that would make Uatu the Watcher shit himself in awe. I could do several blogs listing all the ways the X-men movies suck worse than anything Joel Shumacher could ever produce. There's the bullshit characterization, the shitty character deaths, the piss poor pacing, the horribly underdeveloped relationships, bad acting on the part of otherwise awesome actors, and stories that take a big steaming shit on some of the most iconic comics of all time. The X-men movies actually did something that I thought was impossible. They turned Wolverine into a total fucking pussy despite Hugh Jackman doing everything he could to look badass enough for the part. And any X-men story turns the one of the most badass characters in all of fiction into a whiney pussy who gets all weepy over a woman he barely fucking knows for a few days deserves to be treated with the same contempt as that asshole kid in grade school who likes to take a shit in other kids' backpacks. That guy knows who he is and we know why we should hate him.

But it's not enough that the X-men movies took a massive shit on the Phoenix Saga, also known as the greatest X-men story ever told. Now Bryan Singer is back and may potentially take an equally massive shit on Days of Futures Past, also known as the second greatest X-men story ever told. He's already given the finger to the source material, once again making fucking Wolverine the central character that goes back in time instead of Kitty Pryde. I guess Singer forgot how badly that worked out when X3 tried to shove Wolverine into Cyclops's role with the Phoenix Saga. He probably thinks that he can thrust Wolverine into more places than a lesbian sex addict ina dildo factory and past movies have shown that the results are more fucked than a used condom at Ron Jeremy's house. While this movie is being billed as a soft reboot of sorts in an effort to fix X3 while not admitting that anyone fucked up, I have very little hope for it.

None the less, a trailer has finally come out. And in this trailer, "hope" is billed as the most important component to the X-men movies. "We need you to hope again" is somehow supposed to be all it takes to make the X-men movies not suck. I say that adding hope to these movies is like trying to take a piss to put out a forest fire. It just isn't enough.


This trailer doesn't change my conclusion. It's basically a bunch of flat characters with iconic names being thrust into a story that is going to be centered around making Wolverine the focus of fucking everything with Charles Xavier and Magneto playing minor supporting roles. But that's just the sentiment of a drunken lifelong comic book fan. I'm sure this shit will make a fuckton of money and it'll be declared a success, no matter how many people it pisses off. That's by far the biggest flaw. I'm sorry young burned out 70s Charles Xavier, but hope just isn't going to cut it. Nuff said!

8 comments:

  1. Funny, I feel that way about the comics.

    Eh, you've a point, but honestly, I prefer Movie-Logan to Comic-Logan, and if i have to put up with one being the Focus of the Franchise, i'd rather it be Jackman's much more human, and likable, take-on the character.

    Plus, I doubt Xavier and Magneto are going to be relegated to bit characters, especially not with Fassbender's career taking off like it has since First Class. Stewart and McKellan on the other hand, almost certainly. But they're getting up there in years, and honestly, I'm laying good money this movie is going to reset the entire damn franchise. Stewart and McKellan can be retired, and the missteps of 3 can be thrown under the bus.

    But this could be the last vestiges of my optimism spasming uncontrollably before it dies of a morphine overdose.

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    1. At least the comics offer some balance. At no point in the X-men movies was Wolverine ever truly pwned like he has been regularly in the comics, namely by Cyclops. As for Xavier and Magneto, they basically were easy fodder in the other X-men movies. Now that Wolverine is taking over, I think Singer won't waste any time in brushing them off to make room for his wet dream.

      Jack

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  2. Time travel is a great way to reset the mistakes of past stories. This would be a great way to reboot the X-Men franchise and get Scott and Jean back.

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    1. You're right. It WOULD be a great way to reset things and bring back dead characters. But that's not going to happen here. That would actually make sense and the X-men movies can't have that now can they?

      Jack

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  3. Man, I was pretty upset when I saw them talking about Logan going back, too. I thought maybe I watched the trailer wrong? Surely, Kitty would get her chance to shine in this new movie. But, nope....
    Oh well. Maybe it will make a lot of money. If nothing else, it'll get the X-Men more exposure and set the X- franchise up for a huge X-Force movie that'll be true and awesome sometime... maybe?

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    1. X force movie? Why would I not be surprised if we get lumbered with ultimate cable ( another excuse to stick hugh jackman in a x men film) I'd love to be wrong about dofp but deep down its gonna choke.

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    2. If only we had just missed something, but no. Wolverine is in this movie. That means every other character is a fucking meat shield. Apparently, Singer learned nothing from Ratner when he forced Wolverine into the main role for the Phoenix Saga. And so long as people pay money to see this shit, it's not going to stop. Ever.

      Jack

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  4. They're so fucking ignorant of x force as a series that fucking director is asking fans who they think they should cast? If one more person says gemma " did you see what a shit actress I am in hansel and gretel" Arterton for domino I'm gonna have a embolism

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